TURMOIL
11:33 PM
Hi! I'm back for blogging after quite some months. Well, I think Yes, I am here to share my feelings or rather vent out all my frustrations in blog. Confusion. I feel so confused. So, I feel like writing out what I think.
I just took a look at the Secondary 4 Prelimary Examination TimeTable just now and I feel so ...
Yes, sighing over so little time left, thinking about what-the-hell i've been doing for the past hours, days, weeks and months.
I know there is no much point to keep regretting over things that had already been done but rather I need to think ahead. Think and plan what i need to do so that i can stop wasting time. Yes, but normally it's easier said than done.
Please concentrate. F.O.C.U.S.
I just don't understand why I can't sit down and keep my butt firm on the chair for just one afternoon to finish those homework. Maybe I just need someone to press on me. Or I should start feeling the urge to study. I feel it but feeling it doesn't means doing it.
People keep saying that I am smarty pants or clever girl etc. Yes, I will usually smile back and say "Of course, I am". But most of the time, instead of boosting my confidence, only doubt climbs in. I am wondering if I am as intelligent as what others praise me. Is thick-skinned a good idea?
There's NO harvest if NO efforts is put in.
I understand this logic. I need to put in efforts. I think I shall start planning my remaining holiday which only left less than two weeks or even less than a week. I need to plan wisely.
I will be going out tomorrow with mum and sister to whitesands to do some stationery shopping and eating SubWay (eat fresh~). I will be going out with Vivienne and Cherylmine to watch movie and have Aston's on Wednesday. I will be going out with Ursae people to watch movie and have lunch on Thursday. I will be free on Friday. I will be going to see doctor at night on Saturday. I will be going out with XinYu to St James Power Station to do shopping at Flea Market on Sunday.
Yes, that's the conclusion for week 3. Week 4 is even more packed. Monday to Wednesday, we have school for Secondary 4. Wednesday to Friday, I am having co camp. Saturday, I'm free. Should I go for a swim? Sunday, I have the Greenviron Challenge with Clique. Okay, that's the end of holidays.
Shopping craze. Yes, I super duper feel like shopping for the past two weeks. But now, I only feel like concentrating to do homework. And more importantly, REVISION!
People have started and I? I only sit in front of the computer and do the same routine: check mail, facebook, youtube, look at blogs etc. Wonder when the words revision and homework can be filled into my routine.
Yes, I seem like complaining. I shall work hard. M.O.T.I.V.A.T.I.O.N. This afternoon wasn't very fruitful. I only do homework for 4 hours. 4 freaking hours for one day! A total fiasco.
Was looking through photos in facebook just now. I realise how time had passed. I had matured a bit. A teeny weeny bit, I guess. Maybe after many many of thoughts like now, I've grown. Each time I think and ponder, each time I grow. Treat all these as learning and growing experiences, maybe I will feel better, won't I?
I see those Secondary 3 photos, wondering how fast I've grown. Sadly, not physically though. From the stupid dumb girl who used to view things so plainly and think that most of the people that are nice to me are really nice to me but now I ended up learning sometimes they don't. Learning the facts of life is also harsh. I wish I was an elementary school girl like how my friends described me as. At least I don't have such troubles when I think too much.
I see those co photos, missing those wonderful times I used to have in my cca. I also thought I never like co and I only treat it like a duty or responsibility. I realise it's more than that. I had great passion once, especially during syf period. Though I grumble quite a lot during that period, I realise that is the most enjoyable time I every had in co. Actually, a tinge of passion still remains in me now. I feel like an attached soul to co. I am joined to it. Like twins. I can sense it. Yet, now I feel like giving up co. Partly because I feel very tired of it. Doing so many things and no results shown after much efforts placed in. Partly also because I am lousy in my skills. I had to admit I am no a great liuqin player though I am a chairman -a ex-chairman. I find out I still love co. I MISS CO.
I have been going out quite often lately. Compared to the past, yes, I go out a lot now. Doing quite different stuffs as well. I'm sixteen -the golden year of teenage. I should be youthful and out-going and enjoying life. Well, most of the time when I go out with friends, I am. But sometimes I feel that I am an old hag. Thinking too much. Just too much.
I can sense that I've grown. My temper is much better than before. Seriously. I used to lose my temper very easily. The younger I am, the more impatient I am. I used to quarrel a lot with my sisters or parents over super little and what-seems-so-stupid-now things, but now, I am actually willing to follow their wills and do things they want me to do. I don't feel angry or frustrated or malign as I used to feel. I just feel okay, just do it, there's no harm. I've really grown because even I, myself, could see a change.
Last time, I used to feel angry and totally aggravated when my mum asked me to do things like empty the bins, keep my clothes, wash the dishes, wipe the table, mop the floor, eat medicine, help out for dinner, keep my bed, bathe, wash my undergarments, switch off the computer, help my youngest sister bathe etc. However, now when she asks me to do things, I normally still feel a tinge of irritation but within seconds I feel that "Hey, you should help" and so I did. I still have a bit of annoyance sometimes but most of the time I am willing to do the things they request and my replies are normally forthwith.
Surprising?! I think so sometimes. How much I've changed and how much I've matured. I don't lose temper now too. When I was much younger, I lose my temper like no one's business. I can quarrel with you or just shout at you then run off crying. Yes, how foolish and childish were these actions, but that's exactly me.
Maybe I start to learn about the reality. I feel bad easily now. I learn to put myself into other's shoes and think from their point of view. I see things from their perspectives and learn that sometimes things are different when you have different ways of viewing. I will think much more for my parents now. I will try to keep them assured and build up the trust between us.
Everytime I am going home late, I will try to call home to inform them. But sometimes it still slips off my mind. I have been trying to improve. Everytime I go our with friends, I will try not to spend too much as I understand the situation of my family now. My parents share more of those adult-things now. I know this is because I am old enough for them to tell me or perhaps even help out. I understand things better.
I used to lie a lot about the purpose of going out but I tell the truth mostly now. I still recalled once, so randomly, I called home after school to ask my mum if I could go to watch movie and hence won't be back home so early. Actually even if I don't call, they won't realise too as long as I am back for dinner. I feel a bit awkward after that too as I never really seek permission before that time. Ha, think of it. It's so weird. I think my mum feel strange too as normally I will just go and watch after school if there's sufficient time and make sure I'll be back home for dinner. They won't ask me where I went too. Maybe because they never even ask what time I reach home every day as well so they just expected me to return around evening.
Okay. I think I have written most of my feelings. Hopefully. I think so. Shall sleep early because my mum just asked me 20 minutes ago to sleep early as my neck and shoulder ache so should rest earlier. Yes, I really think I've grown because I even bother to see the time when she talked to me just now so I could see how long I take to listen to her words.
Good night. Sweet dream. Shall wake up earlier tomorrow to finish up work. A lot of work indeed. BUCK UP!
Tomorrow will be a better day.